i never had kids.
the simple explanation is this: no man has ever wanted to marry me.
the longer explanation is this:
let me begin by saying that there is no one on earth who loves children more than i do. i will concede there may be some who love kids as much, but no one loves them more.
i have direly wanted kids my whole adult life. like, pain down to my soul, i have wanted children so much.
being in the presence of children–or even just looking at photos–makes me want to cry happy tears. children are fascinating and inspiring. they are so sweet and innocent. so full of potential with so much unknown lying ahead in their futures. they are unsuspecting and optimistic and absolutely invincible.
i am choked up just writing this.
so…no one ever wanted to have kids with me. and, if you are like every single person on earth who knows how much i love children, you are thinking right now: so, why didn’t you just have children on your own?
the reason is two-fold.
first, i honestly never wanted to do it alone. you may be thinking: then, you never wanted children that much. i hear that all the time. and…no. i just wanted a husband to have children with me. and i assumed that if i was meant to have children, i would have been given a husband. i am a fatalist.
second, even if i wanted to do it alone, i earn most of my money travel-teaching. the only reason i could even afford to have a child on my own is because i travel about half the weeks of the year. so, the catch-22. either i continue traveling and have to have someone else care for and raise my child (if that someone else were a husband, great! but since it isn’t, (see #1), not great), or i stop traveling and i can’t afford a child.
this isn’t meant as a judgement of anyone or the parenting choices they make. i truly have the utmost respect for women who have children on their own. my choice is not about good or bad, right or wrong. it’s just about right for me.
as i close very quickly in on my 50th birthday and no man in sight, to boot, i am very realistic about the fact that kids are not in my cards.
does it pain me? yes. every day.
it also enlightens me!
that’s right…it enlightens me!
and here’s why:
i believe everything happens for a reason. i believe we get exactly what we are meant to get and experience exactly what we are meant to experience in each lifetime.
i used to get sick thinking, “why me?”. almost every human being on earth has children. why not me?
and then one day it struck me. and it struck me hard.
the universe never gave me children because if i had kids, i could not love other people’s children as much as i loved my own.
in 2002, i started mini yogis yoga for kids so that i could spend my time not only with children, but actually making a long, lasting, positive impact on their lives. children’s yoga is ubiquitous now, but to put this in context, in 2002, there were hardly a handful of people outside of india teaching yoga to kids. but it was a calling.
people who see me teaching kids call me the child-whisperer. there are very few kids that i cannot connect to on a soul level because i teach from pure love.
it would be impossible if i had my own children to put a stranger’s child on a pedestal. i can tell you that even within the context of the unbounded love i have for my niece and nephews (who i consider my own, but their parents somehow see it otherwise…go figure), it sometimes feels traitorous to love my students as much as i do.
but i do.
and so, ultimately, this is a story of faith. as the great prophet mick jagger once said:
“you can’t always get what you want
but if you try sometimes, well, you might find
you get what you need”